Recorded and released digitally in 2012 as a free standing single. Inspired by a friend who I hadn't heard from in a while, but who I was hoping was still alive and doing better than the last time we spoke - and in fact he IS still alive and doing better by gradual increments. So this is a song about sadness and desperation, but more importantly about hope and about calling forth your inner stubborn, tenacious old badger who just fucking refuses to give up.

Released 27 July 2012
Lyrics and music by Ellen Koyote
Recorded & mixed by Lars Toverud in Iskremboden, Norway
Mastered by Andrea Merlini, Audio Division, Italy

I am so broken, I just don't know what to do.
I am so tired, I want to lay myself to rest in the dream of you.
My life got so ugly, how on earth did it come to this?
I'm so full of poison, if I fade away, I will not be missed.

My father was careless,
and my mother she threw me out 'cause she couldn't cope.
I don't blame them, I was awful,
I was calling up the storm as I sank the boat.

Now I'm such a liar, I'll say anything at all to get my fix.
I throw ashes on my fire till I'm nothing but a lifeless pile of sticks.
Well, my pride is what I've clung to, now it's all I have to give.
I admit I can't control this, I admit that I want to live.

You say it's my priority, and it's true - it used to be.
It used to be my saving grace, it made me feel so free.
But now it's just a craving, a cold and clawing need.
Now I'm eaten from the inside by a hunger I just can't feed.

I am so broken, I just don't know where to start.
I am so scared, 'cause if I ask and you all say no then I'll blow apart.
I am so broken, but I know there's still one thing that I have to do.
I am so stubborn, I'm gonna help myself get clean for a friend like you.